Zip

“If there’s nothing incriminating in the files, sir, why not…”

“Quiet. Quiet, piggy,” said the king.

For “Zip,” I drew a newspaper with a zipper across it. The Orange King has finally found a way to deal with the press that doesn’t require answering a question.

His Majesty likes free speech. He gives several hours of it himself every day. The difficulty starts when somebody else wants a turn.

A reporter asks why he hasn’t kept a promise. He says he never made it. She reads his words back to him.

“Fake news.”

She plays the recording.

“Very nasty woman.”

The next reporter asks whether prices have gone down. The king explains that nobody has ever brought prices down as successfully as he has. The reporter mentions the price of groceries.

The king asks who let him in.

After years of calling unfavourable reporting “fake news,” the palace starts deciding which reporters can come through the door. Those outside are accused of failing to cover the king’s achievements.

The Associated Press found out how this works when it was excluded from presidential events for continuing to call the Gulf of Mexico the Gulf of Mexico. Naming an entire body of water apparently wasn’t enough. He needed to edit the newspapers too.

And the opening exchange? That actually happened. Bloomberg’s Catherine Lucey was asking Trump about the Epstein files. “Quiet, piggy” was what he offered instead of an answer.

I suppose calling a reporter names is easier than explaining yourself. Especially when she’s brought notes and you’ve brought whatever bullshit occurred to you on the way over.

Back in the kingdom, a reporter who still has a pass asks the king how he became so wise.

He calls it an excellent question.

The interview runs over.